


lagniappe

by molejinnie



Category: Stray Kids
Genre: Angst, Dark Stuff, Death of parent, Depression, F/M, Hwang Hyunjin is a Sweetheart, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Imaginary Friend, Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicide, Oneshot, Self-Harm, failed nanowrimo draft, hwang hyunjin - Freeform, hyunjin has a lipring, i suck at writing romance aha, idk what to add anymore aha, lipring, psychiatrist, psychologist, stray kids - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 05:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21489349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/molejinnie/pseuds/molejinnie
Summary: la·gniappe (n.)/ˌlanˈyap/1. a small gift, esp one given to a customer who makes a purchase2. An extra or unexpected gift or benefit.our whole body, including our brain, is created to protect us. it will do anything in order to make sure we are safe and alive. which begs the question, how far will it go to do that? will it trick ourselves into believing a lie just so that we could breathe a little easier? do you think it's evil for doing that?orin which a girl who wants nothing more than to have a peaceful, eternal sleep finally found something that helped her to wake up in the morning. but what if this particular reason isn't what she thinks it was?
Relationships: OC x Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	lagniappe

Does the word _'ikigai'_ sound familiar to you? It's a Japanese word meaning 'a reason for existing.' Why do you force yourself to wake up every morning? Why are you here? What do you want to achieve? It seemed like something small and unimportant, but when you've found your _ikigai_, life feels slightly easier. 

As someone with suicidal tendencies, _ikigai_ would help me a lot in life. Breathing already hurts so much, let alone living life as it is. Everytime I open my eyes in the morning, I already have to fight the urge to grab my pillow and press it against my face in hopes of getting a calm, eternal sleep. I find my life worthless, as if I was merely a mistake that God created. Or that He created me just to suffer for His entertainment.

I know this is wrong. So I want to be better. Finding a reason to live is the first step. 

And I did found one. And it has the form of a human. 

"Hey, Leen." He smiled and sat on the bed next to me. "How are you doing?" 

His name is Hwang Hyunjin. A boy I met in the streets a few years ago. He's been my best friend ever since. I remembered seeing him all cold and wet on the street one day, his black hoodie soaking wet. He was standing next to me outside of a cafe and he attempted to start a conversation with me. Turns out, we both have similar interests and likes. We've been meeting up ever since. 

"I'm fine, I guess." Unconsciously, my hands stretched upwards. The blue sleeves on my arms slipped downwards, exposing the scars that aged between a year and 3 month. Those scars were a sign of a struggle. A reminder that I'm in a constant battle against my own mind. 

I watched as Hyunjin's face became sadder. His lips turned into a frown as he watched my arms intently, like it was a fragile artwork that could break any moment.

"I've been clean for 3 months. Don't worry." I forced a smile.

Hyunjin pulled my sleeve downwards and let out a sigh. He cupped my cheeks and stared intensely into my eyes. "Promise me you'll tell me if anything happens." 

I felt my cheeks getting hotter. I hope he can't feel it. Hyunjin's eyes are the color of oak tree. It was hypnotizing. "Okay." 

Hyunjin lets go of my cheek. It feels cold and bare now. Sometimes, I wonder why he stayed by my side. Why did he care when literally nobody else does? But at the same time, there was this extreme fear inside me of losing him.

If he's gone, I don't think I'll ever let myself breathe air again.

"Does it hurt?" I asked. Hyunjin glanced at me and raised an eyebrow.

"When I fell from the sky?" 

"When you got that piercing, asshole." I grimaced and slapped his shoulder. Hyunjin chuckled playfully. His laugh is so contagious that I didn't realize that I was actually also smiling. 

He pouted and touched the silver piercing on his lip. A gesture he made when he's thinking. "Not really. It felt like a thousand angels kissed me on the lips."

"I'm serious." 

"Of course it hurts, dumbass. Why do you ask? Are you planning to get one?" 

"I think so. Before I die, I want to at least have one piercing. And I don't really have that much time left so, yeah." 

Hyunjin slapped my arm. "Don't say stuff like that.”

“Oh, what are you gonna do about it, Jinnie?”

I was taken aback when I felt a hand on my waist and my shoulder getting heavier. Hyunjin pulled me closer and hugged me in silence. My brain malfunctioned and shut down. I hope he couldn’t hear or feel my increasing heartbeat. 

“Now, shut up or I will not hesitate to throw you out the window.” Hyunjin mumbled, pulling me even closer so that if I turned my head, we could probably kiss.

Ignoring the jumping thoughts and the raging heartbeat in my chest, I leaned sideways, our heads touching and stared at the empty space across the room. Meeting this boy was one of the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Of course, my depression doesn’t magically disappear when I meet him. I’m not a protagonist of some romantic movie where the lover would appear and I would be cured of all scars and wounds. No, this is real life. Hyunjin simply gave me a reason to exist. He’s the one who listens to my darkest thoughts. He’s the one who gave me hugs when I feel lonely. I would live another day full of emptiness and dark thoughts if it means I get to hug him again. 

“Your hugs are the best.” I mumbled quietly. 

“Are you feeling better?” I nodded at his question. “I hate that you’re suffering like this and I couldn’t do anything about it.”

“You don’t have to. Just promise that you’ll never leave me. Promise that I’ll still be able to hug you until the day I die.” It was a bizarre request, I know. I just had to get that out of my system. I don’t care if he doesn’t answer me. Hyunjin deserves to live with someone normal. Someone who actually is alive, like him. I don’t think I’m alive. I simply exist for nothing. I don’t deserve someone like Hyunjin. I don’t deserve to be happy. What I deserve is to be inside the cold ground, earthworms and maggots eating away my flesh.

“I promise.”

“What?”

“I promise to give you hugs until the end of time.” 

“You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not.”

I pulled myself away from Hyunjin’s embrace, even if my heart was screaming in protest. The boy looked confused because I was never the one who pulled away from a hug. I tried to look at him right in his eyes but I failed. So I looked away instead.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” I said.

“Aileen. Look at me.” 

I did. 

Hyunjin grabbed my hands and looked me right in the eyes. “Now I want you to listen carefully. I hereby declare that Hwang Hyunjin will always be there for Kwon Aileen until death do us part. I will be there to listen to your rants, complaints, whatever it is you want to tell me. I don’t want you to feel lonely ever again. Do you believe me?” He smiled and spoke with so much sincerity I almost believed him. 

I think I am starting to cry because my cheeks were wet. How could such a human exist in this cold and harsh world? And out of all people, why me? Why did Hyunjin have to meet me out of all people? I don’t deserve him. Not now, not tomorrow, not even in a thousand years. 

_Please God, let me disappear and let Hyunjin have someone he truly deserve._

Hyunjin seemed to panic and lets go of my hands. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hold your hand that hard. Did it hurt?” 

He cupped my face delicately and wiped my tears away. I couldn’t stop crying. My emotions are all mixed up and I was struggling to breathe. It was overwhelming. I want to disappear but at the same time I want to kiss him. I tried thinking of something to say but words had disappeared from my brain. Hyunjin rubbed my arms, an attempt to calm me down. 

“Thank you.” I said, between shaky breaths. “Thank you so much.”

He smiled and hugged me again. I hugged him back. Hyunjin smells like mint. I closed my eyes and let a warm feeling swallow me whole. Just this once, let me be happy. I don’t care if I’ll relapse tomorrow if it means my mind would just quiet down for this moment. I don’t want my brain to scream at me for not deserving of Hyunjin’s presence. 

My name is Kwon Aileen, and for a few, magical minutes I was glad that I was born in this world.

“So like, are you still my friend now?” I asked jokingly.

Hyunjin chuckled. “I’m whatever you want me to be.”

—————-

The lady in front of me smiled and readjusted her glasses. I looked over at the small, name tag on her white coat. Dr. Ahn Yeji. She was wearing a black and white striped sweater on top of a white button up and some black pants. Her hair was tied into a ponytail. Dr. Ahn is a decade older than me but she’s so friendly and easy-going that I forgot about the age gap between us.

“He really is an amazing person.” Dr. Ahn commented once I was done telling her my story. “And with a lip piercing too? Damn.”

I smiled a little bit. It was getting even harder to smile genuinely these days. I feel like I’m inside this dark maze, running around aimlessly, screaming for help but nobody was there. Even Hyunjin. He was supposed to be my light source. He was supposed to help me find my way out of this place. But that light ran out of fuel and disappeared along the way.

Dr. Ahn grabbed a box of tissue from the small, round table beside her and handed it to me. I didn’t even realize that I was crying. I said thank you and wiped away my tears. For the past few weeks, I’ve tried so hard to remove Hyunjin’s memory from my brain. His disappearance and the words of my mother left a large wound on my already broken self. I glanced at my arms and thighs. I’m wearing a black oversized sweater and a pair of brown trousers so it hid the red scars decorating it. Dr. Ahn knew about the scars on my body, but she never judged or expressed unnecessary pity. I love my mother with all my heart but when she knew about my scars, she hid all the sharp objects in our house and kept checking on me every 5 minutes. It made me feel like a freak.

“So, that was your last encounter with him before he disappeared?” Dr. Ahn crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. 

I nodded. “After that, my mother came in. Hyunjin left our house saying he’s going to go home. My mother then sat down and we talked for a while. At the beginning, we were only talking about simple things like how I’m doing, school, and all that. Then, suddenly we were talking about Hyunjin. She started asking like how tall he is and his facial features. I was confused because he was walking right pass my mother. And then,” I paused. I was forcing myself to speak but I couldn’t. If I said it, then it means that I’m acknowledging it. And, I don’t want to.

“And that’s when she said that Hyunjin isn’t real?”

Ice bloomed inside my heart. I still remember the conversation word by word. It was like a broken cassette inside my head. Everytime I’m alone with my thoughts, the conversation replayed inside my head. I would do anything to cut open my head, grab that piece of memory, and throw it across the country. 

“And I presume that’s how you end up here, in my office.” Dr. Ahn leaned in and looked at me right in the eyes. I can see the sincerity and determination in her eyes. “Let me just make one thing clear. I know what kind of question you’re dying to ask right now. Is Hwang Hyunjin, the stunning boy with a lip piercing, real or is he just a figment of your imagination? I am going to help you find that answer, but I will not answer it for you. Whatever the answer it is, I’m going to help you to cope with it. It’s going to be hard, but you and I will get through this together.”

I appreciate that Dr. Ahn didn’t promise me anything. At least if she disappeared or is actually a figment of my imagination, I won’t be that hurt. 

—————-

I glanced at the digital clock on my night table. It’s currently 2:43 AM and I can’t sleep. For the past few nights, I’ve been trying to stay up. I don’t know what was I thinking when I thought that I could somehow summon Hyunjin to appear. I needed to talk to him. The words of Dr. Ahn kept replaying inside my head. 

_“Our brain is not always evil. You might be thinking that your brain is cruel to play tricks on you like that. But what if I told you that I know people twice your age who has ‘imaginary friends’ too? It’s a way of coping that your brain develops. Sometimes, life gave us an ugly wound that would take a long, painful time to heal completely. Your brain is there to make sure that the healing process is not as long and as painful as it should be. You’ve told me that Hyunjin is your reason for living, right? Your brain maybe cruel for blurring the lines between what’s real and what’s not, but it does that to protect you.” _

I remembered when I first met Hyunjin. Rain was pouring heavily from the sky, as if it was also mourning for the death of my father. I was just returning from the park to clear my mind. My father died because of a car crash. It was late at night. My father was on his way home from work. He was working overtime that day because his work was due soon. My father is an honest man. He would never violate a traffic law on purpose. So he drove alone that night, seatbelts in, and with a normal speed. His car stopped on a traffic light, then it turns green. He didn’t see the sports car on his right, travelling in an inhuman speed. The girl driving the sports car was wasted and high. Before my father could even see the car rushing at him, his car was immediately hit and flew across the street. 

The day I met Hyunjin was the day my father was buried. I remember feeling really angry that day. My father, an honest man, was taken from me just because a woman loves her car too much to let anybody else drive her home when she is clearly wasted. If my mother wasn’t beside me that day, I swear I could’ve skinned the woman alive when I saw her.

I think my brain knew that I could never get through the loss of my father alone. So, that’s how Hyunjin came to my life and made it brighter. 

Maybe the reason why Hyunjin haven’t appeared yet is because my brain knew I couldn’t handle it, yet. 

I saw a figure standing across my room, leaning against the wall. I sat up from my bed and stared at the figure. I blinked a few times, and the figure was still there. My room was pretty dark and whatever that thing is, it’s too far away for the moonlight to shine on it.

“Who are you?” I said, my voice sounding braver than I intended, which is a good thing. 

“I left for a few weeks and you forgot about me already?” The figure spoke in a very familiar tone and walked towards me. The mole, the plump lips, the piercing, everything I loved about him appeared from the darkness. Under the moonlight, Hwang Hyunjin looks ethereal. 

I couldn’t even breathe let alone move. Hyunjin was dressed in all black. A button up shirt, jeans, and a pair of leather boots. His pale skin was glowing under the moonlight, contrasting with the all-black he’s wearing. How is my brain capable of making someone as beautiful as him? He smiled and I felt my heart stop.

No words could even describe how I feel. I’m too angry and too tired to cry. So I stood up instead and gave him a hard slap on his cheek. The fact that I could even feel his skin makes me question reality again. _No. We’ve established this, brain. He’s not real._

“You fucking bastard.” I spat. “You left me to suffer and then came back looking all happy and shit. Do you think I’m some kind of joke?”

Hyunjin touched his cheek. His eyes met mine. I realized how dark his eyes actually are. “No. Never in a million years would I consider you a joke.”

“Shut the fuck up. You’re not sweet talking your way out of here. I know you’re not real.”

He didn’t say anything. I feel like I would cry anytime soon, but somehow my cheeks are dry. I guess I'm too tired to even cry. 

"Aileen," Hyunjin called out, taking a step closer to me. I immediately backed away, which I regret because his whole body is now shining in the moonlight. The cursed lipring glimmered, and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. He is indeed a creature from another dimension because at this moment, he does not look human at all. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Anger immediately bubbled inside my chest, erasing every emotion I had for him before and what’s left is just disappointment, rage, and spite. This boy stole everything from me when he left and when he came back all he had to say is sorry? 

"I hate you." I hissed, trying my best to keep myself together. My heart who's been empty these past few weeks were suddenly overflowed with emotions, both negative and positive. It felt like Hyunjin accidentally sent a tsunami of emotions towards me and I was never ready for the impact to hit me. When it did, it fucking hurts. 

Hyunjin kept silent. He was staring at me with a neutral expression, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. Both of his hands are inside his pockets. He seemed pretty relaxed for someone who had ruined my life. If he won't say anything, then I gladly will. 

"You once told me you are whatever I want you to be. Now I want you to be honest and answer my questions. Or is that a lie too?" 

"No." He said. "That wasn't a lie. I will answer all the questions you have about me. But before that, let me say this. I am not real. I'm as real as you think I am. You can call me your imaginary friend, a ghost, a demon, whatever."

"Why did you leave?" I asked. "Why did you broke your promise? And why did you think I would be okay with that?" 

He didn't answer. Instead, he walked closer and sat on my bed. His back was hunched and his eyes were focused on the floor. I joined him but not once did I try to glance at him. One look and everything inside me would collapse.

"I was scared." He said softly. "I was afraid that if I appeared again after your talk with you mom, we both couldn't handle it. Believe me, I was eager to meet you again. To give you a hug everytime you would cry because of me. But, it would just destroy you even more. So I waited. I waited for the right moment to speak to you. And I feel like right now is the right time." 

I didn't realize how much I missed his voice. Talking to him feels like a dream now. Which begs the question, is this real or not? These days, the line between what's real and what's not feels blurry. I need to talk to Dr. Ahn about this. 

"But I kept my promise." 

At that, I immediately snapped my head at him. "What?" 

Our eyes met. Then, his eyes glanced at my arms. "That day where you wanted to slit your wrists deeper than you ever have. Who did you think stopped you from doing it?" 

I blinked. When Hyunjin left, the times I've thought of suicide increased greatly. It was so bad to the point where I mustered the courage to do it. The goodbye letters I wrote are currently hidden under my bed. 

Last Friday, I finally felt like it was finally time to do it. I managed to sneak a kitchen knife when my mother wasn't looking. The method I was going to use was slow and painful, but I don't care. As I was about to do it, I remember not being able to move. It feels like as if someone just pulled a switch inside my brain and everything just stopped. 

My heart was filled with guilt and uneasiness. I began shaking, and in the end, I dropped the knife and bawled my eyes out. My mother wasn't home at the time, so I was able to scream and curse as loud as I want. I didn't know who stopped me or why I stopped along the way. 

"That was you?" 

Hyunjin smiled. Before I knew it, he grabbed my hands and pulled me into his arms. My body tensed. The rational part of my brain was telling me to just scream and push him as hard as possible. But in the end, my heart won. You could fool the brain, but in the end, the heart will always hold the truth.

I miss Hwang Hyunjin.

Fuck, I _longed_for him. 

"Aileen, I'm so sorry." Hyunjin whispered. His words broke something inside me and I started crying. With trembling hands, I hugged him back. The soft texture of his shirt feels so real on my hands. My brain kept convincing me that this is unreal. _This is just an illusion._

I realized I couldn't live like this. Hwang Hyunjin is a fantasy. He is not meant to be in this world. No matter how real he feels, he is an illusion. A fake human created by my brain to help me cope. He did help me a lot. Heck, he stopped me from doing something I'll regret. 

But, I don't want to live like this anymore. 

I pulled myself away from his embrace. My heart was hurting, but for this once, I want to listen to my brain. 

"Hyunjin," I forced myself to look him in the eye. "I can't live like this anymore." 

Hyunjin kept silent. I think he knew what I meant by that. 

"I appreciate you looking me out this whole time, I really do. But, now that I know you're not real, it's hard to pretend that everything's normal when it's not. I'm thankful that you're now here, talking to me right now, but I hope you understand that I'm still really struggling right now. I feel like I'm losing control of what's real and what's not." 

Hyunjin held my hand. I felt his warmth transferring onto my hand. Is people lying to me? Maybe I'm the one who's not real. What if Kwon Aileen never existed in the first place? That’s why I was always so eager to leave this world because I never belonged here in the first place. 

"When I knew you weren't real, I was completely destroyed. I feel like my heart was ripped in half. And, then I lost you. I couldn't even look at myself anymore. I feel like a failure." My eyes looked down at my trembling hands. I blinked and a tear dropped onto my hands. 

"Both of us isn’t necessarily in the most stable condition now. So, I feel like it would be best if we both part ways for now."

I felt my heart clenching when I said that last part. 

Hyunjin merely smiled. He wiped the tears from my cheeks and played with my bangs. "I understand. The reason of my existence is to make it easier for you to breathe, not make it harder. But I guess I failed you, huh?" 

He was smiling but there was a hint of sadness in his voice. 

"No, Hyunjin. You never failed me. The reason I'm still alive and breathing is you. I'm grateful my brain created you, because you're one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. God kept giving me annoying shit to deal with, as if I haven't got enough. But he also gave me amazing things. You're one of them. Maybe after all of this, when I'm finally better, we could meet again." 

A new reason to live. To be better so that I can finally see that damned lipring again. 

"I don't want you to think that I'm going to be gone forever." Hyunjin said. "I will still be here, taking care of you, making sure you don't do anything too stupid. After all, I promised to be here for you till death do us part. So, don't cry, please? I'll kiss you if you're still sad." 

"I won't hesitate to slap you again if you dare." 

We both laughed. I felt a smile forming on my lips. It felt genuine. I wasn't happy that I would have to stop meeting Hyunjin for a while but if this means I could recover, I will do it. And he won't actually leave me, he'd be watching over me. And that's enough for me. 

Afterall, some people are not meant to stay in your life, but to teach you a lesson. 

"See you again when I see you, Jinnie." I said with a smile. Goodbyes are meant to be sad, but this isn't a goodbye. So I'm not going to cry. Neither of us should cry. 

"I love you." He said. 

I think he knew how much I needed to hear that.

"I love you too." 

I blinked, and he was gone. It was as if Hyunjin was never there. But that's okay. His warmth still lingers on my hand, and that's a proof that Hwang Hyunjin was here.

And that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah. that's it. i apologize for any grammatical mistakes because english isn't my first language. 
> 
> anyway, i got the idea for this story while i was watching the movie 'split' lmao. an amazing movie 10/10 would recommend. i am not particularly happy with how this turned out, i feel like i could've caught the part where aileen started to lose control over what's real and what's not a bit better :/ it's just meh to me but that's what you should do to be better. write and write even though you hate it. 
> 
> also i will PROBABLY write two more oneshots about stray kids. it was originally going to be my project for nanowrimo but i'm like really busy this month so :) one is woojin-centered and the other is jisung-centered. 
> 
> leave your thoughts and comments down below please! it really means a lot to me when people commented on my stories. it motivates me to write even more lol


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